'TWAS THE NIGHT BEFORE CHRISTMAS reinterpreted by Roberta Barnes
'Twas the night before Christmas and Cindy was beat,
Her holiday chores knocked her quite off her feet.
She'd shopped all down Main Street, bought presents galore,
Cut holly, hung tinsel, baked cookies by the score.
Put a bird in the oven, took a cup of eggnog,
Sank into her armchair, fell into a fog;
Visions of single men swam in her head
As she dozed by the fire that glowed orange and red.
Then all of a sudden from her nap she awoke,
Some guy on her sofa was having a smoke!
It was Santa! He puffed on his pipe and looked sad
As he checked his long list of those good and those bad.
"Oh, Santa, what is it?" cried Cindy, afraid
It wasn't the list of good girls she'd made.
"Well, there's Nice," said Santa, "that's one of the two--
"And then there is Naughty, which brings us to you."
And slowly he searched in the bag by his feet,
And pulled out a paddle so handy and neat;
With a wink of an eye and a touch on his nose,
Cindy was helpless as up her skirt rose!
And then at a nod of that grizzled old head,
She found herself over those knees clad in red;
"Oh, Santa!" cried Cindy in shame and alarm,
As she snuggled down into that lap soft and warm!
But it wasn't so cozy when the paddle came down,
"This geezer is strong!" she thought with a frown;
The strokes started coming so lively and quick,
This guy was no slacker, we're talking St. Nick!
Those cute little buns he turned into toast,
He knew how to do it, he spanked coast to coast!
She squirmed and she struggled, her movements did quicken,
She couldn't take Moore, it hurt like the Dickens!
"Oh, Santa, I'm sorry!" he heard her to say,
"I don't want to be naughty, I try to obey;
I try to be good, but you know what I fear?
I won't learn to be good from one spanking a year!
"Send me a guy, I know you can do it--
When I need a sound spanking, just let HIM see to it!"
"Ho, ho, ho!" laughed Santa, "that's a really good plan,
By Kris Kringle, I'll do it, I'll send you a man!"
And so he relented, put her skirt where it was,
She planted a kiss on his lips through the fuzz--
Then out of her hand fell the cup with a clatter,
She jumped! "What a dream, what a curious matter!"
She thought as she reached for the cup on the floor,
"It's just that I wonder why my bottom's so sore."
When what to her wandering eye should gleam,
But eight flashing messages on her answering machine!
From David, and Daniel, and Parker, and Benson,
From Conrad, and Kirby, and Donald, and Vincent!
With eight men to choose from, she'd keep one for her self,
One real man was better than any old elf!
"Thanks,Santa," she whispered, and smiled with delight,
"Merry Christmas to you, and to all a good night!"
